In my wandering past I would ponder the depths of negativity and promiscuity, searching for the phrase that would make sense of the world. A sentence, a paragraph… an idealized notion of my perception on the way the world interacted with itself. I would write down what I thought, and I believed it as the truth. I thought it was “the” truth, the only truth… It was truth. Unfortunately, it was only mine, and mine alone. It’s comical to look back at my scribbled, jumbled thoughts, and see into the depths of a truly lost kid.
I did not know it at the time but my unknowing search was consuming my emotions with unadulterated hate. I hated only myself. I took that hate out on my perception of the world and the people that swarmed it. I believe the disdain that I held for the workings of the world, was a misguided emotion for the value that I had in it. It’s amazing to have that feeling of invincibility yet my heart was always longing. I longed to fill the vast emptiness within me. Do not misunderstand my life… I was happy most days. My life was not a dark place where good feelings went to die. I lived! I lived hard… maybe a little too hard. Yet I was hollow, unknowing, unwilling and still somewhat hopeful.
I’m not saying my perception is in tune with reality now, but it feels so clear. That foggy haze has lifted over my eyes, freeing me to see a new world that is full. Very full. The weight of my thoughts have become feathers of hope. The race in my mind has become a stroll through the meadows of swaying grass. The screaming in my head softened to a sweet knowing whisper. The harsh grumbles flooding my ears have been extinguished by joyous laughter.
I’m smiling as I write this… it’s a real smile, a relieving one. I feel so clean. The dirt has washed away. I am not foolish enough to believe this will last, it almost never does. Yet… This feels different. It feels as though the long winding desert road has reached its thirsty destination. Why does it seem that I’m alive for the first time? It feels like a pure feeling that only a select few on this Earth understand.
It’s truly hard to accept this serenity and happiness. It’s incredibly hard to not feel like a fraud… am I a fraud? Am I still the person I’ve been describing from my past?
Obviously I still have doubt. Would I be human if I didn’t?
Either way I’ve stopped questioning life and people with a negative bias. I’ve found strength in love and the unknowing passion in people. I seek connection instead of refuge. I found that I… Kind of… I guess… Sometimes… sort-a… like myself. Not quite love; only time will bring that ultimate unconquered obstacle.
My daily battles with that guy from the past are getting easier to win. We fight about which road to take, which feeling to side with. His arguments are becoming thin, weak with doubt and assumptions.
I’m smiling again… it’s amazing that thinking about how hard each decision and thought used to be for me, makes me feel relief now.
What has made me who I am today? What is the source of my happiness? What is my resolve, my strength, my Truth? My Truth Has changed and it’s everlasting…
I found it finally…
My voids are no longer
Will YOU find it?
My hope for you is that your journey is as weighing as mine has been… nothing GREAT in life comes easy, especially peace.