Boys Boys Boys (Letters to My Daughter)
I love you, just in case you forgot.
Boys….. Where do I start? As much as I want to throw dad-isms at you like, “You’re not dating until your 30!”, or call ALL boys stupid and after only one thing, I won’t. Well, maybe the stupid boy part a little. The main thing I want you to know about boys, and love, is that you need to guard your heart.
Your mom and I both went through our fair share of pain and turbulent relationships before finding each other. We’ve both made many mistakes and most, if not all, could have been prevented if we guarded our hearts.
The hardest thing for a teenager to understand is that infatuation doesn’t equal love. I’ve seen so many girls (and boys) throw the “L” word – as I used to call it—around like it was the only word to use in a relationship. It’s not. Here is the thing about young love. You haven’t lived long enough to know what you want in a partner. You haven’t met enough people to know who attracts you most. You haven’t developed your ideas on faith, finances, marriage expectations, gender role identities, or any other factor that goes into finding your forever guy.
I will hate it, but I do expect you to date (16 or older, God willing). But there are some things you need to know about dating at that age.
The majority, even the nice little Christian boys, want to have sex. It’s a battle within a boy’s heart and his body, and the body wins more often than not. Some boys are worse than others. Some will lie their butts off, tell you they love you, that they have never loved someone so much in their life… just to get in your pants. Boys will sell you on all kinds of ideas if you let them. In fact, I’d argue that teenage boys are some of the best sales people in the world. They are persistent in their pursuit of the prize at the end of the race. That trophy is usually sex. Then most young relationships quickly deteriorate after sex. Kids that young are not ready for sex, and do not use it for what God intended. It’s supposed to be with your spouse and only your spouse, so that you two can have a connection so close, so intimate, and like nothing you have every experienced before. It’s supposed to be yours and yours alone, and not to be shared with others.
Think of pre-marital relationships as stealing pieces of your heart, and the future intimacy with your husband. Say your heart is a glass of water, and it’s filled to the brim. Every time you say I love you to some boy, but then you break up… some of that water is poured out. Every time you take or let things go too far physically, large amounts are poured out. A lot of people enter into marriage with no water left. No specialness exists in their marriage compared to any other past relationship they’ve had. Worse yet, some enter their marriage with their glass having been broken, unable to hold water. That glass of water, your heart, is the most important thing to protect in order to have complete and utter joy with your future husband.
I don’t want you to make the mistakes that your mom or I – mainly I– made. If I could take back most of my decisions with women before meeting your mom, I would.
I wish more than anything in the world that your mother was the only woman I had kissed, held hands with, touched cheek to cheek with, danced with, held, told I love you to, and been intimate with.
I know you don’t want to hear that, but you need to know how badly I wish all my moments with her were ours and not shared with some people from my past that are now strangers. She is the only woman for me, the perfect partner that God gave me, and I unfairly let others take her place for short amounts of time. Your mother deserved all of me, not a used version of me.
Does any of this make sense?
As much as I meant to write this about boys, and how hard they will work at getting the trophy, or how they will probably break your heart, I need to tell you about girls too.
Teenage girls can be just as stupid as boys. I definitely dated a few crazy girls. My point on this will be simple. Do not ever let a boy become the most important thing in your life. God is. Then your family is and it should stay that way until you get married. Obsessed girls do crazy things. They push their personal morality boundaries further than they know they should. They lose friends of boys, even though friends will be around longer. They do not understand when a boy is done with them, and that a break up is final. Girls can obsessively call boys and text them a billion times, or whatever weird technology method of communicating exists for you. You need to hold yourself in higher regard than what a boy thinks about you.
I will always protect your heart as much as possible, whether you like it or not. You will not have a boyfriend that you break up with and get back together multiple times. When you’re young, no boy is worth going back to like that, because it shows you are not compatible in some way, shape, or form. You will introduce me to all the boys you date. You will have very clear rules to follow. As I said in your first letter, these will be meant to protect you because I love you so much.
God has already picked out your husband. He was picked out before you were born. There is a path to him, and that path doesn’t have to be broken. There is so much more to life when you’re young than boys.
There are a rare few good ones, that are worth spending time with and will help you understand relationships a little more. “Practice” if you will. I won’t stop you from experiencing that, but I know what the bad ones look like and act like. I was one of them.
I guess there is no point in rambling on too much about this subject, because it will be one that you and I discuss all throughout your life, frequently.
One last thing… no matter what society says or thinks, chivalry does not have to be dead. It’s a sign of respect for women. When a guy opens doors for you, pulls your chair out for you, respects your relationship speed, and respects your parents’ wishes, that is a great thing. He honors God, he honors you, he honors his own parents, and he honors himself.
You deserved to be treated like the prize your mother and I know you to be. You are the only you there is, and that means you are extremely special to us, God, and your future husband. Don’t let yourself become just another girl to some guy.
I love you so much. I want so badly for your heart to experience the most joy possible, so remember to guard it.
I love you Win-win,