Urinal Rules: A Peak into the Men’s Restroom

It’s hard not to laugh after writing the title to this post. Yet, Urinal Rules are no laughing matter!

Well… talking about them is pretty funny, but when the dude taking a leak next to you breaks the rules, then it’s not funny at all.

For men reading this post, there will be a lot of head nodding and uh huh-ing. For the women reading this, their may be some fascination but ultimately you’ll probably think men are ridiculous, absurd even.

Here are 13 unspoken rules of Urinal usage in public restrooms:

  1. Always choose the urinal next to the wall, if no one is currently using one.

This allows the next guy to choose the urinal farthest away from you

This also prevents having a guy on both sides of you, if the bathroom suddenly becomes crowded

  1. Never pick the urinal right next to another man, unless no other option is available.

If the “every other” urinal option is not available to you, then choose an empty stall. If that options is also unavailable, then and only then, are you allowed to pick a urinal next to another man.

  1. Never strike up a conversation with a man while urinating in the same restroom (exception: if it’s your friend, but even that is still frowned upon)

Unlike women, we are not separated by stall walls, making the situation more awkward for us because of the lack of a barrier.

The main reason for this rule is the fact that while urinating at a urinal, you are holding your penis (manhood, junk, equipment, etc.)… so talking to another dude is just plain weird.

  1. Always look straight forward, never around and especially not over and down.

There are two places you are allowed to look while peeing at a urinal; straight ahead at the wall, or down at the spot you are aiming.

It’s best to study the wall with great detail and momentarily pretend that each color, crevasse, scuff, foreign substance, is the most interesting thing you have EVER seen!

  1. Pretend that no one else exists in the restroom, and all will flow smoothly (pun so intended).

There is a check station at the door of each men’s room, where you are required to drop your peripherals off, which can be picked up when exiting.

  1. Never drop your pants to the floor like a kindergartner.

Exception, you know your friend is about to enter the restroom, and you haven’t pranked him in a while.

  1. Do not fart while at a urinal.

This bodily action is reserved for the stall, where we can all pretend the open floor and open ceiling walls are a barrier of smell –though our noses tell us otherwise….

  1. Do not shake more than a second or two.

More than a very brief shaking procedure will cause alarm from the other patrons, and you will be assumed to be committing a lewd act.

See rule 10 for the requirements of a victim of a lewd act

  1. Fully zip-up before turning around.

Nobody wants to accidentally see that man! COME ON!!!

  1. You always have to punch a peeking-tom in the nose if he is caught taking a look at your equipment.

This is important, and your man card will be revoked if this –or most of these rules, really—is broken.

  1. Never lollygag

Not only could you be holding up the next man in line, but the men’s room is not somewhere you hang out casually.

12. If you are short, do not take a tall urinal unless it’s not crowded.

Tall men have a hard time using low to the ground urinals because of the extreme angle.

  1. Always wash your hands

Common sense… but apparently the majority of men need to be reminded of this rule.

14. If you are at a bar and the line for the restroom is longer than an anaconda, then disregard all rules, and know that you are walking into a war zone where each man is on his own.

If you find yourself in this free-for-all peeing environment, please note that the floor drains, sinks, and trashcans become temporary urinals with no rules.

“May the odds ever be in your favor!”

Wear slip resistant shoes to a bar!

Good luck men, and happy peeing!

I hope you learned something useful here, people! This is life and death stuff I am talking about, and these rules go back to ancient times of peeing on trees.

Fellas, if you have any that I forgot, then please add them to the comments section and I will update the post.

Ladies, if you want to make fun of us or tell me how intrigued you are by these unknown to women rules, let me know in the comments section.

If you laughed, let me know. If you thought this was stupid and you hate me and wanna troll, then let me know!

Have a great Friday, and a great weekend!

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